This past 3 months haven't been the happiest in my life are getting better now. When my parents left in that airplane, a part of me left with them. I guess that's when reality hit me and I realized that I was an immigrant, with the joys and the hardships of being one. People like to daydream about moving abroad and partying or enjoying themselves in a new place. But life gets cozy after a while and although there's still a lot going on, in the end, it's the same you. I remember my psychologist(I had therapy for a few years and how I miss it!It's great to be able to say anything without worrying of what they'll think) saying that moving away wouldn't solve any of my problems. They would come with me wherever I went. And they did.
It's not like I have huge problems. Compared to a lot of people, my problems are very small. But they're still mine, and mine to deal with. All of my life I've had more consciousness that is desired by a teen/young adult. Being my mom a psychologist herself, since I was a kid, I was surrounded by Freud, Jung, and other names that had something to say about why I was feeling the way I felt, or why I should act in a certain way. I remember coming home and saying: Mom, that girl was really mean to me. I HATE her. And my mom would say that hating was something that would harm me more than do me good, and that the girl was just letting out her frustrations with her life, and that she was probably insecure and had to put a cover over to protect herself. I also remember hours of talking about anger, love, heartbreak, friendships, disappointment, and most important self-esteem.
While it may sound comforting to have people around you to give you an answer about what happens to you, it was also something that disrupted my relationships. Who wants to have a 12 year old who quotes "psychology today" when giving advice to a friend? Or someone who had finished Sophie's World in grade 5 and loved to comment in her history class? My "friends" back them were busier buying VL purses and hanging out at the mall all the time, going to the country clubs to hang out and meet people. Don't get me wrong. I also went to the mall (mainly to the movies) and I couldn't care less for purses with letters. I had my own swimming pool, (so no country club membership for me). I didn't (and still don't) use slang. Never felt comfortable talking like that or getting into popularity contests.
I've always been rude. Not in a mean sense. I just don't know how to fake a feeling. If I don't feel good in your company, chances are you'll note it soon. And I don't keep relationships for future use. My friends say they love me because I say what I think. It may be hard to hear, but I think it's way better than a flowery fake answer to the question. I remember being like 6 or 7 and my mom would ask me to say hello and hug an uncle at a Christmas party and I'd say no, I'll say hi, but I don't feel like hugging him, because I don't agree with some of the things he does and I don't think a hug from him would do me good. My family say sI have a very strong personality, and it's been with me ever since I was little. Like when I was 2 and threw my walk and talk dog in the swimming pool because Santa didn't give me the doll I had asked. for I guess that's when our relationship ended.
My friends are people with equally strong personalities. I don't connect well with people who have none, and they wouldn't put up with me for long. That's why I gave up being a diplomat. My friends used to tease me that I had no diplomatic skills. Only a true friend to say it to your face and make you realize it's true. I'd never be a good celebrity either. As most people I know I'm usually bad with criticism, if I think I deserve it. It's not that I mind what people think, but I don't like being misunderstood. And if you go with any other interpretation of what I say that I do not agree with, I'll think you're not quite getting me right.
Where was I again? I guess that was the long introduction to say that I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I'm 25 years old. Going to school to finish something I started 8 years ago and it's hard going to school with people who were born in a different decade! I feel so old sometimes, and I know that I could be doing so much more, like some of my friends who are already in their career job. But I still have a road to pave so I can walk on. I guess all I need is someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that I'm doing a great job at living my life. So what that I gave up law school to move to Canada? Or that I rather stay home and feed my emptiness with my school work, instead of getting pretty to dance all night with a bunch of people I won't even know the name?
Between tears and laughter, this past 3 months have gone by fast. Sometimes I close myself into a cocoon in hopes that I'll come out ready to fly again for a while. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But it's what helps me cope with the growing pains in the 21st century.
2 comments:
Everything will be OK! At least I hope so...
Eu não me sinto em posição para dar conselhos para ninguém sobre a vida e profissão, pq eu mesmo estou perdida entre e nesses dois.
Às vezes me desespero, às vezes consigo levar as coisas numa boa... a gente faz o que pode, não é mesmo?!
Eu acho muito legal vc ter corrido atrás de um dos seus sonhos, muitas pessoas estão por ai paradas, pq tem medo demais, e vc ao 25 anos, já fez tanta coisa. :)
Imagino para alguém com a personalidade forte que nem a sua seja dificil se "encaixar" nos diferentes grupos que uma universida-de oferece. E eu não acho que isso tenha só a ver com idade. Fiz faculdade com pessoas mais ou menos da minha faixa etária (alguns com 1,2 anos a mais, algumas com 1 ano a mesmo) e isso não muda nada. O que muda - na minha opinião - são afinidades. E eu te garanto durante quase toda a faculdade eu me senti um peixe fora d'água. Eu tenho uma personalidade de quem se da bem com todo mundo, mas mesmo assim conto nos dedos quem são meus verdadeiros amigos.
Vc sabe melhor que eu, que ir atrás dos sonhos tem o lado bom e o lado ruim. Eu sei a falta que vc deve sentir da sua família. Mesmo estado com parte da minha aqui, às vezes me sinto incrivelmente triste por estar longe dos meus pais. Mas uma hora eu vou ter que voar e contruir a minha própria família, a minha vida do jeito que eu quero.
Patricia, eu não tenho nem idéia de como é sua vida por ai, mas se vc está no local que escolheu e fazendo o que escolhe, deve ser pelo menos muito bom sentir que sua vida está seguindo em alguma direção (e ainda melhor na direção que vc quer)!
Nem falo da parte de Psicologia, pq apesar de ter me formado em Psicologia e achar um campo muito interessante (principalmente Jung), eu não sinto o menor interesse em trabalhar com isso. E nem me sinto capaz de ser uma boa psicóloga que poderia ajudar outras pessoas. Pois se eu mesmo me sinto perdida no mundo, como posso ajudar outra pessoa a se achar?!
Espero que as coisas comecem a melhorar por ai para vc!
Boa semana!
bjs
Thank you! :)
Tudo vai se ajeitar mesmo. Acho que é só meu jeito de fechar um capítulo para abrir um novo. Tá tudo encaminhando na direção que eu quero. Digamos que o que eu sinto é que não é rápido o suficiente e eu não posso apressar por coisas que estão além do meu controle.
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